My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
You Might Also Like
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
back to work
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
The three genders.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives