My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
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I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.