Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

What a year we’ve had this week.

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.