Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

The opposite of Iceland is water water

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.