Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

bags with threatening auras

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer