Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.