My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
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Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not