My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
You Might Also Like
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days