Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

😭😭

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

That’s commitment

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.