My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
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Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I saw this ending much differently.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.