Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”

Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”

Me (checks watch): “1985.”

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”