My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
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Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides