Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

SPLOOT

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

I’m the neighbor

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now