Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me if I was a dog

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi