My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
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Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.