Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now