Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

Hank is one in a melon.

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

*watches the world burn*

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

BRAKING NEWS!!

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.