my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
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It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
the short answer to this question
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter