my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
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Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
When they try to steal your moment.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu