Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

Don’t snitch tag.

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY