my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
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Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.