my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
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Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.