My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
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Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Saturday
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Still my favourite meme.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
That was easy.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.