Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

Dance like you’re not the father

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

beware of dog

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.