Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
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Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I needed a laugh this morning.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over