People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
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My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”