Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded