Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

I came this close!!!!

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.