Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

[2am]

wife: where in the hell have you been

me: well the boys and i were at the club-

my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*

me: leonard my god no not right now

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking