My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
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*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
new shirt idea
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
And then there were 4
May never get over this
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
never ask a starfish for directions
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk