My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
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you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.