My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
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HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
is this store having a stroke wtf
