Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

Creative Problem Solving

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different