My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
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I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
I camp so other people don’t have to.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…