Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.