My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
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how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…