My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
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My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.