My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
You Might Also Like
(grounding my kid) go outside.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
#Caturday
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me: