My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.