My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
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Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
finally found a reasonable question
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive