My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
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Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
You are not alone 💚
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
A wise man once said nothing.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?