My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
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“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.