My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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Wait for it
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
October 31
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0