Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.