My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I have never related to a cat more
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No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.