My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
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Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
You better wish for more oil
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.