Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

Worst Native American name ever.

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?