My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
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The internet is magic sometimes.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Sooo many times…..
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls