My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
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I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya