Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

True

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.