My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
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reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I went from rags to one rag.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.