Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?