My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
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Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯