My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

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[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off


Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.


Personal Jesus is my favourite song about people who try to hoard little baby Jesus.


I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf


Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.


ME: I should get out of bed.
FRIEND: I already ran 9.5 miles and baked 17 cakes.
M: I might shower today.
F: My husband invented showers.


What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I’m gonna go over to her house and sort this out.


Me: *Don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be we..
Him: Hi
Me: OMG YES of COURSE pygmies are little people!!!


My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.