My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
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My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
where do you see yourself in five years?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Wise advice
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…