My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
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You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
