Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

twitter is a journey

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?