My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
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Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
had to make it
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
dads on road-trips be like
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies