Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested