My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
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Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
True
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands