My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
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Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
look scared
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were