Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/EVpq6CLU4AEyfCy.mp4

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?