Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral