My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
You Might Also Like
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Oceanography is all about current events
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.