Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

That seems a conundrum…
🤔

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?