My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
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Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me