My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
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Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I ate everything, including the H.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.