Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.