My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
You Might Also Like
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
time machine? you mean a clock?
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.