@YesItsAl

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

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@Cheeseboy22

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

@tastefactory

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

@MazMEDEA

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

@AbbyHasIssues

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

@ArfMeasures

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: on holiday, what do you miss most about your work?

Me: lol I think I’m hearing the question wrong

@Browtweaten

date: i want a good listener

superman: πŸ™‚

date: who can see inner beauty

superman: πŸ™‚

date: and looks good in glasses

clark kent: πŸ™‚

date: wait what the hell

@FlyJ_

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!