We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
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Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
This meal prepping shit easy
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*
CHINESE WAITER: what
Interviewer: on holiday, what do you miss most about your work?
Me: lol I think I’m hearing the question wrong
date: i want a good listener
date: who can see inner beauty
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?
Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!