My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
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“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??