My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
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Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit