Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.