Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

i feel so bad i refunded him

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?

“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

My teenage children choosing violence

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement