My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
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Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Me, flirting😏
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.