@Just__J0

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

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@Just_Lee_

My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.

What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?

@AuthorGaylord

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

@lovejulieacafe

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

@JennInTheCorner

Give a banana to your uninvited house guest. Hold another banana up to your ear. Only respond to questions asked thru the “banana phone”.

@ArfMeasures

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

@lilgapeach30

Random drunk guy: if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put u and I together.
Me: It’s perfect the way it is with N and O together.

@david8hughes

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

@ferranticathy

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

@House_Feminist

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

@Book_Krazy

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL