Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

12653.

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.