Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

How about I get 100% off by already being there

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*